Disillusioned and burned out

Posted on 20 Jun 2009 @ 5:26pm by

1,762 words; about a 9 minute read

Mission: M2: Aggressive Negotiations
Location: Counsellors office
Timeline: Day 4 0900

Silonez made his way to the counsleing offices, he'd become another victom of burn-out, another officer in the intelligence system that had become over worked, now they think he needs more than help, he knew there was a problem, he even knew what had happened was stupid. He just could keep going at this pace, not anymore. It had already cost him dearly, he wanted to escape it all.

Elek had already heard about the incident with Eircson - it wouldn't have taken long, even without the official reports from T'Pal and Hemmingway. On a ship this size, scuttlebut was everything.

He hadn't got to know the intelligence officer at all well - they had both been at the staff meeting, but never had the chance to speak, despite their departments being linked in some respects. He'd hoped to meet with Eircson to discuss ways of working together, but then this had happened.

Sighing, he put down his hand and drummed his fingers on the desk. Part of his mind was still on his recent discussion with Isha, but he knew he had to focus on the here and now.

Pushing everything else to the back of his mind, he looked up as the door chime went off. "Come," he said.

Silonez entered the officer, his eyes were still bloodshot and he was still shaking from all the chemicals in his system. For all intensive purposes he looked as if he was a man who had broken and needed fixing. "Looks like I get to be your first patient on this ship."

Elek inclined his head. "So it would seem, Mr Eircson. Please, come in. Sit down. Would you like a drink? I think we have a lot to talk about."

"uh no, thanks" Silonez sat in a chair near the desk, he was weary and tired.

Elek nodded. He had got up to go to the replicator but, if his patient wasn't going to have one, then neither would he. Instead, he sat in one of the other chairs, near to Eircson.

"So what happened yesterday?" he asked.

Although he knew the answer from the reports, he wanted to hear it from the lieutenant's own mouth.

" almost 10 years of violence was finally getting to me, I can't live with myself anymore. The constant sacrifice, the having to live almost a total lie about parts of my life, its just too much, I wanted to end it quickly." Silonez looked at the floor.

*He's avoiding,* Elek thought. "Tell me about the incident, Silonz. What started it off?"

"the two dead Romulans in sickbay!" Silonez was begning to break

Elek heard the edge in his voice. "Take a breath, Silonez. You're safe here. Right here, in this room, there's no-one but me and you. No duty, no rank, no tasks to complete. Just take a moment."

Mentally, he reached out, and had to stop himself from drawing in a sharp breath. This man truly was on the edge, floundering desperately on the very edge of breaking point. Elek needed to act. He began broadcasting calming thoughts to the intelligence officer, trying to get him to move back from that very edge of hysteria he was balanced on.

"Close your eyes," Elek went on, "and imagine yourself in a place that you're happy in, and safe. A place that you can draw comfort from. Can you do that for me?"

Silonez attempted to comply with the conselors request, his thoughts were still pretty messed up, he couldn't think of any one specific thing. He just tried to think of somethig positive. "I'll try"

Elek watched him as his eyes closed. The anxiety and worry didn't seem to immediately diminish, but then, he'd expected that. "What are you thinking of?"

"my last shore leave, I took a vaction in Montreal Canada, I was walking through the old part of the city."

"How did you feel?"

"Its fun there, the smells of the market, the cobble stone beneath my feet, the cool breeze from the river. its relaxing, almost peaceful."

Elek smiled. "Savour those feelings, Silonez, enjoy them. Know that you can experience them, then through to now. Now, I want to to gradually come forward to the present day, and try to think about the incident, but keep the peace you felt in Montreal firmly in your mind."

It was an old counselling trick - it wouldn't solve the problem, by any means, but it would at least help Silonez to think about the situation, hopefully without having a complete panic attack.

"I'd lie to say this is easy to talk about, it isn't; hell I can't talk about the last three years of my life, and what I can is only the surface of the problem, heres' what is wrong, my fiance walked out on me, my career is one constant blacked out portion on my file after another, all I have is a career and a history of things that I can't talk about."

Elek rocked back on his chair. "Sounds like a lot of regrets there, Silonez? Who was your fiancee? Why did she leave?"

Silonez was conflicted "Rita Long, we met while I stationed in London, it was great, I had a normal life, everything couldn't b better, when I got reassigned to Langley she came with me, we had a place together, then about three weeks ago I got orders to ship out, my last day in Langley I came home and the place was empty, she had left." Silonez felt the old wounds tear open and begin to pour out.

"It's okay if it hurts, Silonez, it's normal." Elek knew that many intelligence officers were almost afraid of their emotions, as if they would conflict or interfere with their work. "To feel pain because Rita left ... well, that's something we have to accept and overcome. We're emotional creatures - to ignore our pain doesn't help us."

"Ignoring it is all i've had, every time i turned around for two weeks I was reminded I put my career before everything and now I've got squat to show for it!" Silonez was begining to get agravated "ever since the massacare on Deverious four I've done every thing to ignore how I feel."

"Why Deverious Four?" Elek let him get angry - the El-Aurian *wanted* him to let his emotions out.

"Ever walked into the aftermath of a massacare? not a pretty picture, I had nightmares for two years after, then coming into this mess now, combined with three months of rehab after, followed by getting a desk job, the the woman I love leaves me, and I feel my career is going no where!" silonez finally broke

"Why do you feel that way?" Elek asked. "Is it being on the Freedom, or being in intelligence, or is there something more than that?"

"Ever heard the question 'what do you have to show for your work?' I can tell you what I have, Nothing!" Silonez blurted out.

"Well, you have the rank of lieutenant, you have commendations. Even if you can't talk about your work, you have the knowledge that you've served Starfleet loyally. But," Elek went on, "if it's the lack of recognition you're thinking about, have you considered a career change?"

Silonez looked at the floor, "I have"

"And ...?"

Silonez just sighed, "I don't know, I'm at the point where I want to resign"

Elek paused for a moment. He wanted Eircson to fully weigh up his last statement, and realise the full consequences of what he'd said.

"That's a big decision to make, Silonez," he said. "I was going to suggest more of a career change within Starfleet. Perhaps to an area where you can get the recognition you deserve, rather than having to hide all your successes?"

"And do what?" silonez said "I'm not an engineer, I'm not old enough to have a shot at command, I won't go into security, I'm not a pilot of any calibur, I am definately not a diplomat, so that leaves me with Intel, I should've taken a different assignment where I wasn't so unwelcome here."

Elek frowned, but quickly hid it. Eircson was being overly negative, unable to see the potential he had within him. In his current state of mind, that was understandable, but the counselor had wanted him to try and see what else he had the potential to do.

"Perhaps I misphrased the question," Elek said. "I want you to think, Silonez, really *think*. If you had the opportunity to study whatever area you wanted, what would you do? Would you stay where you are and change things in Intel or, if not, where could you imagine yourself working, and enjoying the most?"

"I've thought hard about another position I was offered at the same time I took this assignment, at least there I might have had a little more freedom to work compared to here where everyone gets into a panic if I try to help them out." he said with some irony at that moment.

"Why do you think that is?" Elek asked, wanting Silonez to start thinking properly about his own personailty.

"this is a bloody waste of time, I'm leaving!" Silonez stood and started to the door.

Elek didn't react - he remained perfectly still in his chair. The last thing the lieutenant needed was for someone to square up to him right in the face.

"Okay," he said, perfectly neutrally. "I'll let Commander Da'nal know."

Silonez continued out of the office, and on to the turbo lift, all he had accomplished was that he needed to get away from starfleet by any means neccisary. He leaned against the wall, his career was in tatters, and his life wasn't fairing much better. As the turbolift slowed he exited and looked around, the coridor was empty he walked over his quarters. He sat on the couch and staired out into space, if his career was over it would have to wait until they were back in federation space.

Elek sighed. He'd hoped for a different outcome, but he was under no duress to make the intelligence officer stay with him. He sat back down at his desk and wrote a report on the meeting for his file, then sent a memo to Da'nal outlining what had happened, without going into too much detail that would break confidentiality, then leaned back in his chair, thoughtfully going over what had happened.

End

Lt. Silonez Ericson
Chief Intel Officer


Lt (JG) Termin Elek
Chief Diplomatic Officer / Counselor

 

RSS Feed